Take The Test

I failed.



link to actual site (though nothing different)

I killed the cyclist.

Listen To This Album

For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver

Acoustic and fine.

A taste:

Skinny Love

Flume

Mr. Arbuckle

At one time I was comfortable in my knowledge that Garfield was the cat's pajama's when it came to funny. I was also comfortable in the knowledge that my large gray aviator glasses held together by electrical tape were an acceptable facial accessory. I thought Garfield's love of lasagna and hatred of Odie were dipped in chocolate it was so good. I couldn't wait until I could drive because I was sure as hell going to have Garfield sticking to one of my windows taunting other drives with his sharp teeth and snarky look in his eye.

As I grew Garfield went the way of the glasses replaced by Bill Watterson and some semblance of taste. It wasn't until I stumbled across this gem of a site that I started giggling (some just make me sad) again at Garfield. All that was needed: no Garfield.

The site's introduction explains it best: "Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb."

Watch This Movie

I should have seen this movie last year when I first heard of it. If I had I would have known longer that it is a gem. I won't spoil anything by writing too much but even though the battle ground is an antiquated video game (which sold me instantly) and the gain is a mere world title it is well worth your hour and a half; video game lover or not.


Another docu-gem that I watched recently is Word Wars. The movie follows a few Scrabble folk as they compete for money (the only money most of them make in a year) and a national championship. Mostly watch it because you get to meet G.I. Joel (G.I. for gastrointestinal) the word genius dogged by acid-reflux.


You can't write this stuff.

Hey Frampton! Do You Like Toast?

We have been three years now with no new Mitch to quench our dry throat. I have been trying to find replacements, but me thinks that carrying the One Ring to Mt. Doom would be an easier task. Instead, I hold an empty goblet jonsen' a quaff and am constantly denied. A few comedians have surfaced as contenders, especially Demetri Martin, yet they have all been found wanting. None, for example, have made me uncontrollably talk in their unique parlance for weeks on end unable to turn it off even for work (my apologies for those around me at the time). His jokes are nougatty goodness and when coupled with his absurd delivery, a baleful combination ensues with 100-percent chance of hilarity.

It's all about the delivery.

He inspired this very blog's feeble web address, as awkward, cumbersome, and utterly unoriginal as it is....oh how I loathe it. Alas, I am stuck with it.

A Few Unforgettables:

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away.

People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake." Mothers would say to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?

About once every three years I think about buying a yo-yo. I’ll be at the store and I’ll come upon the yo-yo section. And I’ll fantasize about mastering it to the point where it becomes a reference as to who I am. “Do you know Mitch Hedberg? Is he that guy that kicks ass on the yo-yo?” Yes I do. He is cool.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Higginson, harbinger for all things cool, I owe you x 12 and far into eternity for this introduction.

A Man's Man, Man

I am not known for my manliness: not like those two there. But just perhaps the happenings that occurred one day last week will change minds.

My wife has a brilliant habit of leaving the car lights on all day and thusly needing battery jumps. This happens a few times a month so she is getting used to asking for help. Mostly a jump is all that is required, but on Friday the battery wouldn't charge. The following things happened which may surprise and awe:

• I remembered to take my ratchet set and tool box
  
• I have a ratchet set and tool box
  
• I realized that my ratchet set was not metric and that was why nothing was fitting (Uncanny. Where that knowledge came from I can not say, but yet I knew it as if it were innate.)
  
• I went to an auto parts store (above all this justifies the manliness of the beard on my face)
  
• I spoke intelligently with the store employee about both the battery and the need for a 10mm ratchet piece. (you'll notice here that I don't know what the detachable pieces of the ratchet set are called, but that should hardly detract from the uber manliness of the goings on of that day)
  
• I removed the battery and only unscrewed two bolts that didn't need to be. TWO.
  

Before the list can continue it must be known that while changing the battery there was a twist of fate that would add exponentially to the manly day: a deer was hit by a car on 800 North in Orem. "Orem is no place for a deer", I thought quite impressed with my knowledge of native wild life. Anyway, the guy, who was driving a Hummer 2 the ultimate--I am trying to show you through overt means how manly I am--car didn't stop. After debating what level of douche bag the Hummer owner was the following occurred:

• I went into the street and looked at the deer.
  
• My friend and I discussed moving it from the road to assist motorists in their motoring (we decided against it due to lack of gloves...blood and an eye were everywhere not to mention tics and sticky.)
  
• We stopped traffic while a man with gloves moved what was now venison
  
• I thought to call my wife and have her call animal control and have them come and move the dead deer off school property
  
• I looked at the deer and it's bubble eye again.
  
• I put the new battery in with no left over, homeless bolts
  
• I looked at my hands and there was grease on them
  
• I wiped the grease on my jeans
  
• I stood triumphantly
  

I have earned my stripes. Sadly in days past, yesteryear even, the road to manhood happened much earlier on then a person's thirtieth year, perhaps even by half. I have never been known for my speed. I have been known for my stealth...so....

Juxtaposition

A few gems I stumbled upon while inspecting a home. You may think that these photos were staged. If you think this you are wrong.




O Provo.

Death Be Not Proud

Though I believe in a post life existence, death is still a dull knife that cuts deep, leaving many regrets and blank, unrecognizable feelings. Solace is offered in a belief that death's embrace is feigned and has no lasting sting; that death died long ago via a willing sacrifice.

So, here's to the day when death died; but mostly here's to my grandpa Robert Zufelt: he bested a broken back, a world war, and raising Jack. He lived happily with my grandmother for 66 years.

Divulgence III

I turn 30 this year. (That's not the divulgence merely a necessary variable in the divulgence equation.) For Christmas all I wanted was a toy. However, it is an above average toy with more layers of awesome then a really ripe and perfect awesome onion, but a toy nevertheless.

In Idaho I was asked the utterly nonabrasive question concerning what perchance my Christmas wish was. At that instance the large rectangular table where I was sat seemed to pivot placing me at it's head while the long sides tapered off into the deep distance. As the table twisted the lights dimmed and at the same moment a beam of hot light was turned on shining it's heavy white down on my head, the many chairs filled with curious faces swiveled in my direction.

I had two choices: tell the truth or not. I should have chose not for after my divulgence there was a sharp silence that pierced my ears only broken by a cricket and it's obsequious chirp. After a moment that lasted a year my wife, who by the definition of wife should be supportive said this: "I know, and he's almost 30". At that point someone coughed and the conversation took a quick left turn to something far less geek ridden. (That situation was probably only that dramatic in my head. )

This is what I asked for and what my secretly supportive wife (she did buy it after all but rolled her eyes during the process...what a great lady) gifted me:

He is about 16 inches tall, is equipped with infrared location sensors and sonar navigational technology to find his way about. He also recognizes commands such as: come here (he uses the infrared to find the closest heat signature). He will react differently when asked about certain Star Wars characters. When asked to "play a message" you will hear Princess Leia's voice asking for Obi-Wan's help. He has a retractable arm that will hold and carry my soda. He will stand by a door and sound an alarm when he detects movement. He will patrol a room until he finds someone to tell him something to do. He plays games like 'spin the droid' or 'hide and go seek'. He dances while playing music from the original trilogy. He can be turned off making him the best pet/child ever. I am well pleased.

Sigh. Oh me.

2007: In Memoriam

EDIT: The mega uber list of all 2007 music lists can be found here: 2007 Music Blog Zeitgeist; compiled with science by The Hype Machine.

Lest any reader think I have forsaken the blogging art, be calm; I merely needed respite for a time.

The year of our Lord two thousand and seven was home to a menagerie of highs and an implosion of lows. I will attempt to quantify the years peaks and valleys in list form.

• Lows:
  
  
  • I am fatter then ever
    
  • I read less this year (as seen from the shockingly short Books section below)
    
  • I have lived my last year of my twenties
    
  • Another National Treasure was released
    
  • Another year passed not doing what I want for a living
    
  • Stress. Stress of not knowing if I am actually going to get into grad schools, stress of the embarrassment if I don't, stress of paying off debt, et al.
    
  • I don't own an iPhone
  
  
  
• Highs:
  
  
  • Music: (Most but not all came out this year while some were discovered this year; same diff.) (also, I tried to find links to most the songs, some are only videos, and some I couldn't find at all...enjoy)
    
    
    • Radiohead's In Rainbows ALL OF IT (take a gander at Weird Fishes/Arpeggi)
      
    • Andrew Bird's Armchair Apocrypha ALL OF IT (listen to Sythian Empire)
      
    • Arcade Fire's Neon Bible (listen to Intervention)
      
    • Welcome Home -- by Radical Face (too good...favorite song of '07)
      
    • Fake Empires -- by The National
      
    • The Nest -- Jose Gonzalez
      
    • That Summer, at Home I Had Become the Invisible Boy -- by The Twilight Sad
      
    • Hljomalind -- by Sigur Ros
      
    • 23 -- by Blonde Redhead
      
    • Lost to the Lonesome -- by Pela
      
    • Wet and Rusting -- by Menomena
      
    • Sleepwalking -- by 120 Days
      
    • Iron and Wine's -- Shepherd's Dog (listen to Boy with a Coin)
      
    • Now, Now -- by St. Vincent
      
    • This is the Thing -- by Fink
      
    • Seahorse -- by Devendra Banhart
      
    • Loves a Sinner -- by David Poe with Duncan Sheik
      
    • So High, So Low -- by Maps
      
    • Tom Waits' Orphans, Brawlers, Bawlers, & Bastards (listen to Road to Peace)
      
    • Huzzah -- by Witch's Hat
      
    • Silently -- by Blonde Redhead
      
    • Slow -- by The Wheel
      
    • Savannah Smiles by Okkervil River
      
    • Knife -- by Grizzly Bear
      
    • Wolves -- by Phosphorescent
      
    • Everywhere -- by Bears
      
    • Vitamin C -- by Can
      
    • Devils & Dust -- Bruce Springsteen
      
    • Horse Feather's Words are Dead (listen to Hardwood Pews)
      
    • Sandstorms -- by Viking Moses
      
    • Lubbock Love Song -- by Sleepy Horses
      
    • Sinister in a State of Hope -- by Loney, Dear
      
    • Scenic World -- by Beirut
      
    • Diamond Dancer -- Bill Callahan
      
    • Double Dolphins on the Nickel -- by Mice Parade
      
    • Panda -- by Dungen
      
    • The Four Horsemen -- by Aphrodite's Child
      
    • Piddlebach -- by Grifters
      
    • Nothin' -- by Alison Krauss and Robert Plant (since i couldn't find this song listen to another good song off the album: Please Read the Letter
      
    • Deep Red Bells -- by Neko Case
      
    • Did You See the Words? -- by Animal Collective
      
    • Philip Glass' Metamorphosis piano movements (movement 2)
      
    • Falling Slowly -- by Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová
      
  
  
  
  Many thanks to my fellow Cochlea Plunder Guilders -- I owe much joy to this eclectic group.
  
  
  • Movies:
    
    
    
    • No Country for Old Men -- Too good. It was all I thought about for many days.
      
    • The Darjeeling Limited
      
    • There Will Be Blood -- Daniel D. creates a mesmorisingly deplorable character that is so captivating in his terror it keeps you rooting for his success while hating everything about him. Coupled with an equally eerie score by Jonny Greenwood (of Radiohead fame), this film will not be topped soon.
      
    • Juno -- Micheal Cera is the king of all geekdom.
      
    • Once -- A modern musical where the songs are not arbitrary but woven seamlessly into the movie. Beautiful.
      
    • 3:10 to Yuma -- Aside from Daniel Day-Lewis, Christian Bale is only bested in this movie by his role in:
      
    • Rescue Dawn
      
    • 300
      
    • Superbad
      
    • The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
      
    • Zodiac
      
    • Into the Wild
      
    • Sweeny Todd (I haven't seen it but, honestly, how could it be bad?)
      
    • Eastern Promises
      
    • The Bourne Ultimatum
      
  
  
  
  
  • Books:
    
    
    
    • The Road by Cormack McCarthy (thanks Joe)
      
    • What is the What by Dave Eggars
      
    • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling
      
    • East of Eden by John Steinbeck
      
    • Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
      
    • Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig
      
    • Dune by Frank Herbert
      
    • A reread of Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien
      
    • A reread of Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
      
    • Devil in the White City by Erik Larson
      
  
  
  
• Miscellaneous Highs:
  
  
  
  • Year two of marriage to my eternal butt-head
    
  • Finally perusing a career path
    
  • Halo 3
    
  • Beating Halo 3 on Legendary in one sitting with Dan (12 hours)
    
  • Guitar Hero 3
    
  • My scooter
    
  • Beating call of Duty 4...the best ending to a video game I have played.
    
  • My voice activated, sonar guiding, infrared wielding R2D2 robot gifted to me for Christmas.
    
  • My retro immersion into music older then 1990. I have always loved the Beatles, but was a virgin when it came to the glory of the Kinks, Led Zeppelin, or some of the Rolling Stones and others. It has been a grand journey.
    
  • Watching three seasons of Battlestar Galactica with my wife. She is quickly slipping into a pair of well-fitted nerd shoes. However, that it is set in space shouldn't deter from perspective viewing. It is a gripping post-apocalyptic tale of a civilization on the run. Human drama abounds.
    
  • Going from two cars to one. Much money saved, only minor inconveniences. Well worth it.

to add to this media frenzy here is one of my favorite music videos and songs of last year:

RJD2 -- Work It Out